“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” -Dr. Seuss
I blinked. I don’t think you ever really understand how fast time can fly by until you become a parent. It is absolutely true when they say, “The days are long, but the years are short.” Some days feel like they will never end, and I am just grateful to survive until bedtime, but then days like October 3, 2018, happen, and I realize how quickly life is rushing by.
On October 3, 2018, my oldest baby boy turned 5!! I tried to make his day special. I picked him up from pre-k, and we had a picnic in the park. We had cake after dinner and surprise presents from his daddy. I took him cupcakes to his class yesterday to celebrate with his friends, and we are planning a short weekend trip soon.
All day, he talked about how excited he was to get older. “I am a whole hand, Mama.” He would say with a huge grin. Every person we would see at the store or the park he would proudly exclaim, “Today is my birthday!” 🙂
Many mixed emotions for me. I am so proud of the big boy he is turning into. So proud of his heart of gold. I'm so proud of how smart and funny he is. I'm so excited to continue to watch him grow. But my heart ached, too. I couldn’t help but feel like my baby was slowly growing more and more away from me. He needed/wanted me less and less. He was growing up. I was missing my little baby, that used to fit so perfectly in my arms. He is my gift. He is what made me a Mama. I wasn’t aware of what I was missing or how much my heart could love until I had him.
However, that night, the pure innocence reminded me of Nikola’s heart, that my boy still needs me and still wants his Mama. I was able to get my two-year-old to bed a little earlier. I was planning on snuggling with Nikola on the couch and talking about his birthday. He surprised me by asking me to rock him.
Oh, this rocking chair! We spent so many hours, so many nights in this chair! The hours of nursing. The neck pain from trying to sleep during all-night nursing stretches. I spent hours in this chair, learning to be a mommy, and scared that I was doing it wrong. This chair played such a huge role in our bonding.
My heart burst when he asked me to rock him to sleep. We had been rocking for about 15 minutes when he looked up at me, and I just knew what he was thinking. My heart ached. I wasn’t ready for him to say it. He was squirming for the entire 15 minutes. I knew he couldn’t get comfortable, so I knew what he would say when he looked at me. I asked, “Baby, do we need to go to the couch so you can get comfortable to go to sleep?” He sighed, “Yes, Mama. I think I am too big to rock.” He started to tear up a bit.
“Oh, baby. I think we can still rock if you sit up straight, but maybe falling asleep in the chair isn’t possible anymore. But, yes, we can still rock.”
He smiled a bit. “Ok.” Then he got really quiet, “Mama, I wish I could go back to 4.”
“Why, baby?”
“So you can rock me to sleep again.”
Oh, my heart hurt, but I didn’t want him to see my pain.
“My big boy, you will always fit with your Mama. We can still rock. You still fit.”
It was a good reminder for me that no matter how big he gets, he will always need/want his Mama. The ways might shift, but he would always need me. He will always fit.
I’m scared to blink because before I know it another 5 years will pass. You never know when the last time might be the last time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NIKOLA ALEXANDER!!!!! 🙂 🙂
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